Who cares if I’m not allowed to have sex or drink booze during the war? No big deal for me. I’m a self-righteous virgin with a low alcohol tolerance. I think I’ll miss praising Jesus on Sunday mornings more than my occasional Midori sour or wine cooler. My fellow soldiers – not so much. They joke about the impossible feat of abstaining for so long. But General Order #1, an official Army rule, explicitly prohibits alcohol consumption and sex on an Army deployment. There could be serious consequences for violations.
But shouldn’t we focus on preparing for war instead of worrying about General Order #1? What is invading a country going to be like? Do we know what we’re doing? Are we properly trained? Is our equipment adequate? Are we going to die? So even though General Order #1 denies us our inalienable rights to bone each other and throw down a few beers, isn’t the deprivation worth our increased chances of survival.
My Commander didn’t trust that our desire to live was strong enough to keep our hands off of each other. He thought General Order #1 actually needed more muscle. So he asked our JAG officer to augment General Order #1 and make it even more restrictive. With his West Point education and fancy law degree, our JAG officer was more than capable of executing this task. Plus he was bored out of his mind, just like the rest of us, passing the days in Kuwait, wondering if we were ever actually going to war.
So he poured his energy into the document like he was drafting the new constitution for a liberated Iraq. I knew his frequent chuckles indicated that he was injecting some of his perverted personality into the amendment, and I eagerly anticipated the final product. I wasn’t sure what guidelines and new rules I would need to adhere to in order to be an upstanding Lieutenant. I had to find out and asked for a special sneak preview.
General Order #1, Amendment 1 strictly prohibited masturbation. And just in case we needed clarification as to what constituted masturbation, the amendment went on to explain that men were not allowed to fondle their penises in any way, shape or form. Unlike a lot of the Army treatment I was accustomed to, Amendment 1 was an equal opportunity amendment. So its definition of masturbation went on to include the various ways in which a woman might pleasure herself. As I continued reading, I learned that I was forbidden from inserting either fingers or objects, such as ChapStick, into my orifice. I hoped our JAG officer realized that women needed something bigger than a tube of ChapStick to feel any ounce of pleasure, but perhaps this explains why his wife eventually divorced him.
I squealed with delight as I finished reading, not because I was excited about these additional restrictions, but because this amendment was actually going to be submitted for approval. I tried to imagine my Commander’s reaction to such explicit language. Would he appreciate the amendment encompassing all possible sexual scenarios, to make it easier to enforce? Would he have the balls to put something so prurient into publication? I eagerly awaited his response…