Can passion and security coexist? Or must we make a choice? Does that choice change over time, depending on the season of life that we’re currently navigating?
When I reflect back on my own life, specifically with romantic relationships, I see years of security speckled with temporary, fleeting moments of passion. But in the midst of these entanglements, I wasn’t consciously aware of the turning-point, when the security of a stable bond replaced the uncertainty of the relationship’s longevity – something that often ignites passion, as lovers make the most of their time together like it’s their last day on earth.
Plus my relationships usually become serious very soon after their establishment. That’s always been my pattern. I only date someone I am already friends with, or at the very least, a friend of a friend. And then we become a committed couple early on. Subconsciously, I choose security over passion. Perhaps that’s because I need the safety net of a loyal partner, due to the absence of that safety net from my own family. Maybe it’s because I can’t bear the thought of spending Christmas all alone.
Have I been cheating myself out of passion? Or are most humans wired to gravitate toward security and stability?
I only realize this paradox once security becomes stifling and threateningly permanent – a permanence I ironically wanted promised to me. I become consciously aware of my need for passion when I start to panic that I will never get to fall in love again, or at least savor what it feels like the first time someone I adore is placing their lips on top of mine, sending shock waves through my system, igniting an arousal that doesn’t come from routine sex with a committed partner. (Women, if you think you’re suffering from chronic vaginal dryness, try making out with a new person who you’re ridiculously attracted to. Trust me, the flood gates will open.)
But can these passionate feelings last? Or are they only temporary, until life and its necessary, mundane routines resurface and force us to refocus our attention on making it through another day. At some point, my mental capacity becomes more consumed with my endless to-do list instead of dreaming what it’s going to feel like the first time a new man I’m yearning for thrusts inside of me. Am I supposed to just accept that? C’est la vie?? (I assume that if I want to be independent and gainfully employed, that’s exactly what I’m supposed to accept.)
And if passion is only temporary – because passion is often synonymous with newness, will I have to repeat the cycle of finding another new love interest, until that wanes, only to have to chase another, until…guess what…I’m spending Christmas alone?
But are these the only two choices that life offers us? Is it possible to sustain and maintain passion with one partner, year after year? In a monogamous relationship? Or are swingers on to something? 🙂
When I experienced the most intense passion of my life, I also felt the most tumultuous, gut-wrenching insecurity imaginable. It was almost as if I knew it wouldn’t last, and when it was time to depart my life, I was going to suffer a tremendous ordeal of pain, pain derived from knowing its absence. Transitioning into a more secure situation would be the exact elixir needed to soothe that loss.
Perhaps I just haven’t found the right person to provide me with both…
What I suspect to be even more of the culprit is that I need to be more secure within myself. When I don’t need someone else, I can enjoy them for pleasure and not focus on how they help complete my life.
But maybe it’s insecurity that offers the opportunity for passion…like when a long term relationship is failing, and a close confidant is seducing…so threatening…yet so inviting…so destructive…so delicious…
Can I create my own passion and not even rely on someone else to do this for me?
Is there an ideal mix of the two that offers an ideal dynamic? Or perhaps this is one of those paradoxes, where the grass will always greener on whatever side we’re not having sex on.