Dear War Virgin,
My boyfriend is really turned on by lesbians and bisexual women. He wants me to hook up with another woman while he’s watching. I am not attracted to other women, but sometimes at dance clubs, when I’ve had a lot to drink, I’ll kiss a girl to make him excited. Now I’m afraid that if I don’t do more, he’s going to lose interest and think I’m a prude. Do you think I’m not having enough of an open mind? Should I go farther with a woman? If so, should it be a friend or a stranger? I really love my boyfriend and want to make him happy.
-Kim, 23, Atlanta
Go into your bedroom by yourself, close the door, turn the lights off, crawl into bed and close your eyes. Start thinking about your deepest sexual fantasies…what really turns you on. Let your imagination go wild. Allow yourself to think about anything. No restrictions. Enjoy!
Did any of those fantasies involve other women? If not, then I think you have your answer. If so, then there are two things to consider: Were you alone with that other woman / women, or was your boyfriend present? I think these questions will help guide you.
It’s very important that you pay close attention to your feelings and desires and only act on what makes you feel good. If you do something that you don’t feel comfortable doing, all for the sake of your boyfriend’s pleasure, you may get an initial surge of excitement. But eventually, you will most likely resent being on display and feel that your own pleasure isn’t a priority for your boyfriend.
In the past, I’ve played around with other women for the sake of not wanting to be prude, and to make my boyfriend proud. But then it established a precedent that I couldn’t sustain. He kept wanting me to do more and more. And I did. But then I realized that I was only doing it for his pleasure, and I grew resentful and tired. Now my primary focus is on determining what makes me feel best, for the sake of my own pleasure and fulfillment.
Now if your fantasies indeed involve playing with women and your boyfriend, then go for it and enjoy! If you’re not sure what to do, then the two of you can have fun discussing your fantasies and potential scenarios that will play out. Be sure to bring up anything you may feel hesitant about, and in all cases, make sure he takes very good care of you!
– War Virgin